So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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