I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I have demons in me.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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