I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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