Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
