I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
