her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
