def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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