New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
