my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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