She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
