Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
