i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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