i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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