my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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