You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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