Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
