dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
