While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
