It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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