The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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