im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
