I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
