did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
