this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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