This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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