WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize