um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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