Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
