Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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