Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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