do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
