In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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