I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
