Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
