its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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