I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My bed smells like the plague
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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