our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
