does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
