When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
