6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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