It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
