So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I think I sprained my soul last night
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
