...so i touched it.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize