Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
