even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
