I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
