Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
