What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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