ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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