Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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