i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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