did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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