the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
