That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
