I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
