'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
