These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
