Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
