Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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