if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
