my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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