The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
