Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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