All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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