Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
