Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
