I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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